Co-sleeping is another controversial parenting issue in the United States. Many have used the term co-sleeping interchangeably with bed-sharing, which further confuses the issue. Here, co-sleeping with bed-sharing is being addressed. Solitary infant sleeping is a fairly new Western concept. Many cultures around the world still practice co-sleeping with bed-sharing as a natural extension of the mother-child relationship. Not to do so is considered aberrant and frowned upon. I have witnessed and experienced this in my own Nepali culture.
Those who support co-sleeping with bed-sharing state many reasons including that it builds a strong bond between the parent and child, fosters longer breastfeeding, facilitates good sleep for baby and parent, and provides comfort when the child needs it for various reasons. Those who argue against it, including the American Academy of Pediatrics, do so primarily for safety and health concerns such as suffocation, sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS), unhealthy dependence on parents, and separation problems that can lead to anxiety for the child. Additionally, opponents say that bed-sharing negatively impacts the parents' own relationship such as communication and intimacy issues.
I am confident this is an issue that every parent encounters since infant and toddler's sleep pattern changes often. However, every parent deals with it differently and can be quite an emotional stage for both parents and the child. My own kids wake up frequently during the night for one reason or another. My husband and I fall in the middle of the co-sleeping argument. When our kids were infants, we practiced co-sleeping in the same room but not in the same bed. We moved them into their own room when we all were ready to do so. For our son, we felt he was ready when he was six months old. For our daughter, she transferred when she was 1 year old. Today, they sleep alone in their own rooms, but there are nights when they may join us in our bed or we go to their bed if they need comforting because of teething pain, nightmares, or whatever it may be. So, how have you handled co-sleeping with infants and/or toddlers?
Those who support co-sleeping with bed-sharing state many reasons including that it builds a strong bond between the parent and child, fosters longer breastfeeding, facilitates good sleep for baby and parent, and provides comfort when the child needs it for various reasons. Those who argue against it, including the American Academy of Pediatrics, do so primarily for safety and health concerns such as suffocation, sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS), unhealthy dependence on parents, and separation problems that can lead to anxiety for the child. Additionally, opponents say that bed-sharing negatively impacts the parents' own relationship such as communication and intimacy issues.
I am confident this is an issue that every parent encounters since infant and toddler's sleep pattern changes often. However, every parent deals with it differently and can be quite an emotional stage for both parents and the child. My own kids wake up frequently during the night for one reason or another. My husband and I fall in the middle of the co-sleeping argument. When our kids were infants, we practiced co-sleeping in the same room but not in the same bed. We moved them into their own room when we all were ready to do so. For our son, we felt he was ready when he was six months old. For our daughter, she transferred when she was 1 year old. Today, they sleep alone in their own rooms, but there are nights when they may join us in our bed or we go to their bed if they need comforting because of teething pain, nightmares, or whatever it may be. So, how have you handled co-sleeping with infants and/or toddlers?
In my circle of friends and acquaintances, a book titled "Babywise" by Gary Ezzo and Dr. Robert Bucknam has been quite popular. I have not read this book, but from what I understand this book has caused a shift in public opinion regarding the nurturing of infants beginning in the early-mid 1990's. Currently, I have witnessed the books attractiveness being associated with helping my friends assist their newborns to manage and develop consistent nighttime sleep patterns. I do not mean to criticize this book, nor do I feel I have the right to, especially since I have not read it. But, the opinions of some who have read this book and follow it can be very strong. I feel like I have been viewed as an irresponsible parent because I have chosen a different philosophy of parenting, which is more closely related to attachment parenting, a term coined by Dr. William Sears.
ReplyDeleteMy friends have shared with me that there is NO co-sleeping with “Babywise.” In fact the book encourages a parent to let their baby “cry it out” in an effort to sleep train. It causes me more distress, as mother, to allow my baby to “cry it out.” Also, my son became hysterical, so I didn’t feel like allowing him to continue crying would be healthy for him.
And, yes, co-sleeping has become culturally unacceptable because of safety reasons. However, there are safe ways to co-sleep. My son co-slept with us in a Moses basinet, while we placed our daughter in a pack-n-play that sat up against my side of the bed, so her head was closest to mine. My son was in our room only 7 weeks while my daughter was in our room 5 months. I certainly felt the societal push to move our children to their own rooms and was often asked by my friends and family if the move was made.
My son, now 4, has sleep issues and I’ve questioned our decision to not sleep train according to the babywise techniques. I realize that this comes from the strong opinions from those around me and I’ve had to evaluate my son’s personality. He is the first born, very creative, social and thinks a lot. He has fears of monsters, is scared of the dark, does not like to be alone, but all of this is developmentally appropriate.
A form of co-sleeping was natural for us and seemed like a natural progression from the womb. I wanted my babies to feel secure, comfortable and connected to their parents. Co-sleeping was one way we felt we were helping our children form a strong and comfortable attachment.
Well, having said that we're attachment parents, it's probably no surprise that we did the whole co-sleeping thing and plan to again.
ReplyDeleteLucas was in a Arms Reach mini co sleeper for at least six months, til he out grew it. And in that time, he spent about half the time in our bed, after I felt like I wouldn't squish him...
We already have the identical bassinet for the next baby. And can't imagine doing anything different.
What got the most reaction from friends in what we did next. Lucas moved to his crib but the crib was in our room. And it wasn't for lack of space, Lucas had his own room, just no crib. We even turned the crib into a toddler bed in our room. It was when we finally felt that he was ready for a twin that he moved into his big boy room in his big boy bed.
He's always had permission to come to our bed in the middle of the night, or morning. At the beginning, it was anytime. Then as he got older, it changed to, try your best to go back to sleep on your own and when you just can't anymore, come over.
Now, at almost six, he usually comes over after 7am and maybe once a week he'll come over around 5am. But the 5am times don't wake me up unless nightmares are involved.
For a while, I felt like I was doing something wrong because everyone else's babies were sleeping through the night, by themselves. But I've decided that, better he learn to sleep through the night at five with no tears than tears helping him sleep at one.
But just like with nursing, we had family support with this. Both my mom & my mother-in-law nursed all the kids & co-slept in some form or another. It makes a difference.
Anonymous: You raise many good points. It sounds like you are well versed in the psychological aspect of co-sleeping, but trying to fine tune your son’s sleep hygiene. I know about the Babywise books, but have not read them myself so I, too, cannot critique it fairly. However, I do know that when it comes to parenting issues, there are so many research findings and expert opinions available that it can become quite overwhelming for a concerned parent. I am a huge believer in good research, but feel you have to take it with a grain of salt. I feel one has to be a smart consumer of research and put your critical thinking cap on to ask the right questions. Even with the best research methods, you cannot account for every individual difference in a person and cannot predict the future. Only you, as a parent, know your child the best. Therefore, at the end of the day you have to go with your “gut feeling” about what is best for your child and family. The hardest part of parenting is not knowing in advance how your practices will determine the future. I personally think this makes it more interesting and rewarding!
ReplyDeleteI also appreciate your openness to other possible methods in sleep training your son and feel that your son’s sleep problems will resolve in due time. I worry when people are not open to other ways and get stuck in their convictions to the point that progress is hampered. When your child starts school, you will be able to know if this is an issue that needs extra attention since school will require lot from him in terms of energy, structure, attention, etc. Best wishes to you and your family!
Laxmi13: Thank you for sharing your experiences. You and your son are very fortunate to have so much family support. It truly does make a huge difference!
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