Great News Alert! (By Anshu Basnyat, LCPC)

     Hope everyone had a wonderful holiday celebrations! Firstly, please allow me to apologize and explain for my absence in writing. I know it has been too long because one of my dearest friends sends me email reminders to update my blog and she has already sent me multiple notes! I have been incredibly busy with my family responsibilities, our Nepali Hindu holidays (Dasain and Tihar), American Thanksgiving, and not to mention two exciting projects I have been working on!

     The first one is an all volunteers community service project called Next Chapter (NC).  NC launched in October 7, 2012 with a group of highly-motivated and dynamic Nepalese mentors from various professional backgrounds who are providing life mentoring on their own time to new Nepalese-Bhutanese refugee high school students in the Baltimore, MD area. This project is a partnership with the Baltimore City Community College Refugee Youth Project, who work closely with the International Rescue Committee (IRC). The mission is to help these new immigrants learn about the American culture so they can succeed in their life goals in this great nation!  We use the Best of Both Worlds Approach in our mentoring and help students manage the differences between the Nepalese and American cultures in a positive way.  

     In our NC bi-weekly mentoring sessions, we cover a number of different topics such as acculturation issues, college preparation, financial literacy, using and managing resources, health and wellness, etc. To give you a clearer picture of our work, two examples of NC activities include: a mentoring session focused on helping these students understand the high school graduating requirements such as understanding the differences between what a "credit" and "GPA" is on a report card and the other is when some mentors took a group of soccer fans to play soccer an hour away from their home, had lunch afterwards, and transported them back to their homes in Baltimore.  We are having a blast building relationships and providing support for these awesome students with untapped talents! We hope by engaging in such activities, we will be doing something little in making our Nepalese community stronger and in growing our valuable contributors to the American society.

     The second project that has been keeping me busy is my home private practice!  Happy to announce that the construction is almost complete and cannot wait to get started with seeing clients! Although I will continue to do my part-time consulting work, I will now expand by adding parenting coaching and various therapies to my list of services in the comfort of my own home. I will admit that this was not the easiest decision to make, but surely the right one, since this will allow me to be there for my family, give me the perks of being my own boss, and give clients a private and comfortable space to voice and problem-solve their life's difficulties! More on this later…

     Enough about me and now let’s get back to the blog posts! As always, thank you for your readership and continued support in my work!

The Tiger Mother and a Common South Asian Parenting Practice (By Anshu R. Basnyat, LCPC)

A Cultural Difference
      Every culture has a certain way of doing things when it comes to parenting a child. It is neither right nor wrong.  It is neither superior nor inferior. It is just different.  As a Nepalese-American who has been living in the States for nearly 30 years and some stays abroad, a parent of two kids with special needs, and a licensed clinical professional counselor, I am inexplicably intrigued by the differences that exist across cultures.  This is true especially when it comes to parenting.   From my personal and professional experiences, the starkest difference I observe between the East and the West is how South Asian parents use social comparison as a parenting technique to motivate their child to “succeed.”   Usually, success is very much achievement oriented whether it be in academics, careers, or extracurricular activities like playing the violin or piano.  

    This cultural difference could not be more obvious than in Amy Chua’s 2011 book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother when she constantly compares her younger daughter, Lulu, to her older daughter, Sophia, in her Chinese parenting as a motivational strategy.   Sure, social comparison occurs in every culture, but from my experiences, it is most prevalent in South Asian (SA) households where academic achievement tends to be the driving force.  Simply “doing your best” is not good enough. “Being the best” is the ultimate goal.  This drive for competition does not come from a bad place. 
   
    I applaud parents who want their children to do well and have instilled great values in them. However, the problem with social comparison is that everyone cannot be number one!  There will always be someone who is better off than you and someone who is worse off than you. It is a life lesson that parents need to teach their children in a thoughtful and gentle way.  Otherwise, it will be a risky strategy. Besides, children will sooner or later learn this life lesson.  South Asian parents need to teach this valuable lesson to their children or it may be a painful one later on.  Collectively, South Asians tend to be very protective when it comes to their children so they are well-equipped to teach this important life lesson.  However, it is still worthwhile to quickly review the process involved in social comparison.

Social Comparison Theory
    According to Leon Festinger, who coined the term “social comparison” in 1954, stated that people naturally tend to evaluate themselves, including their opinions and desires, by comparing themselves to others. The process includes two types of social comparison: upward and downward.  Upward social comparison occurs when someone compares themselves to another person who is “better off” (intellectually, financially, physically, etc.) in an effort to be part of the elite and have a more positive view of themselves.

    In contrast, downward social comparison is when you compare yourself to someone who is “worse off” than you to make yourself feel happier.  For example, a diabetic patient who only needs medication for treatment may see himself better off than another diabetic patient who has lost vision due to diabetes.  The result of this downward social comparison makes one feel better. This process seems pretty natural and harmless right?

Tiger Mother and Social Comparison
    Now consider this. In Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, Sophia is presented as a calm, collected and compliant elder daughter.  She performs well academically, listens to her parents, and plays the piano exceptionally.   Sophia is the perfect child that every South Asian parent dreams of.  Lulu, on the other hand, is spunky, challenges authority figures, and is an independent thinker from the get-go.  She is also a bright and talented person in her own rights as a violinist and later as a tennis player although her academic performance is unclear. What is clear throughout this story is Lulu’s rebellious nature.  

     One cannot forget the very first example of extreme parenting when tiger mom puts her three year old out in the freezing cold to teach her a lesson that you need to respect and listen to your parent.  We learn that Lulu does not give in, even on the wintry cold day with only her house clothes on.  Therefore, it is no wonder that Lulu puts up a fight every time Amy compares her to Sophia or whenever Amy tries to motivate her to play the piano or violin.  The tiger mother’s use of social comparison in her parenting suggests three areas of human dynamics that are negatively impacted.

The Impact on Human Interaction
    First, a South Asian parent who heavily relies on social comparison should consider the negative impact it will have on the relationship between siblings and/or peers.   A psychologically-minded reader must wonder if Lulu has some kind of resentment towards her sister.  Or, does Sophia have a sense of superiority since she is being presented as the “good kid.”

     I can relate to this because growing up in a Nepali household and surrounded by other Nepalese, I was constantly compared with other Nepali friends and/or relatives and vice versa.  With Nepali adults, whether it be our own parents or other kids’ parents, social comparison is a common practice.  From what I gather, this is also true in other South Asian communities. Essentially, they are pitting us against each other. The competition was fierce. It still is.

    All I knew then was that it did not feel good to be compared to others regardless of whether it favored me or not. Therefore, I have vowed not to socially compare my kids in that detrimental manner.  From anecdotal experiences, my peers who are now adults or parents themselves, also feel the same way I do.  This made me wonder: how many good relationships were lost or never formed due to parents socially comparing us? We will never know because you cannot turn back the clock. 

    Second, social comparison negatively impacts the parent-child relationship. Emotional connectedness between the parent and child is stifled.  Remember the scene at GUM café in Russia when Lulu shouts painful words every parent wishes they never, ever hear from their child? “I HATE my life. I HATE you, and I HATE this family!”  Amy tries to reconnect with Lulu by having special events like the garage sale, which both enjoy, but does not fix the emotional breakage between the tiger mother and her cub.

    Lastly, social comparison is just not effective. It fosters rebellion, especially if you are parenting in the West.  This is mainly so because self-identity is an important part of we are as individuals in the Western culture and when South Asian parents engage in social comparison, this challenges that belief system.  The child feels threatened and rebels to assert their individualism.  All of the time, effort, and money Amy put into training Lulu for the violin went to waste.  Lulu essentially rejected the violin and chose tennis.  One is left to wonder had the tiger mother not used such extreme social comparisons, would Lulu have continued with the violin and achieved even higher standings than Carnegie Hall? We will never know because she decided to pursue tennis instead. 

    In conclusion, South Asian parents who engage in social comparison as a way to motivate their children to do better are compromising a number of social-emotional issues that are critical to a child’s healthy development.   As a South Asian parent of two and a licensed mental health professional who has worked with many children and families, I highly discourage social comparison as a parenting strategy.  If you are not convinced, then please consider how it might feel if your child compares you to their friends’ parents in hopes that you become a better parent.  The risks simply outweigh the benefits when it comes to your child’s well-being. There are far better parenting strategies than social comparison to motivate your child!

7 Tips to Resist the Urge to Make Social Comparison:
1.    Gain awareness about your habit to socially compare your child to others. Awareness is the first step in solving any problem. Does it usually happen when talking about academics, extracurricular activities, personality traits, etc.? This will help the South Asian parent to acknowledge and change their negative behavior.
2.    Ask your child how it feels when you engage in social comparison. This will open up communication pathways and facilitate a close parent-child relationship.
3.    Adjust your expectations of your child according to his or her abilities and wishes. Many South Asian parents love and want what is best for their children, but this may not always be what your child feels is best for themselves. Compromise when appropriate.
4.    Respect your child.  In Eastern cultures, respect is a one-way street whereas in the West, it goes both ways.  A bridge between the two cultures will be necessary if South Asian parents are raising children in the Western world otherwise it will be a long battle.
5.    Communicate with words and actions that you unconditionally love your child.  When children are socially compared to their peers, they tend to feel that parents do not love them for who they are, when in actuality this is not true.  South Asian parents love their children unconditionally like any other parent, but emotional connectedness in a parent-child relationship tends to be the exception rather than the rule.
6.    Praise your child.  All children crave positive attention, especially from their parents. From my clinical observations, South Asian parents tend to refrain from praising their child in fear that their good performance or behavior will go down. Opposite is true. However, be genuine when praising.
7.    Go easy on yourself.  Often, when people are highly critical of others, they also tend to be highly critical of themselves.  South Asian parents tend to put extreme burden on themselves to know all of the answers all of the times when it comes to their children. This extreme pressure is unhealthy and counterproductive. Everyone makes mistakes, even the best of parents!
  

   
 

More Homework, Please! (By Anshu Basnyat, LCPC)

   For many, the first week of school is coming to an end and this means many parents are probably wondering about the H word: homework.   Some parents are hoping there will not be too much homework for various reasons while others are saying “Bring it on!” In terms of research, the jury is still out.  There are staunch supporters on both sides.  For me, however, I was on the fence but now I say “More homework, please!” So, why the switch?

   Well, I had an epiphany this summer.  Last year, my son’s Math teacher gave him a little booklet called “The Math Whiz” and you are supposed to play a magic game with it.  It is basically six pages stapled together with numbers written all over on five of them. The game goes like this: He would ask someone to pick a number on the first page and told them to keep it a secret. Then, he would turn each page and ask if the secret number was on that page until he got to the last page. Meanwhile he is doing some kind of computation in his head and magically arrives at your secret number! He would repeatedly play this game with our family and friends.  He was completely indulged by their reactions. “Wow, how did you do that?!” or “You are so smart!” He would flash a big smile, and not reveal the magic, but instead told you to pick another secret number. There begins another round of the game. Well, just a few days ago while we were cleaning his homework area, he came across The Math Whiz! Of course, he wanted to play the game again.  Guess what happened this time?

    Yes, you got it! My math whiz struggled with the game. Although he arrived at the correct answer, he kept getting confused when doing the mental computations.  Of course, this was a great teachable moment and I certainly seized it by letting him know that we easily forget what we learn if we do not practice it regularly. You can look at any dementia or Alzheimer's research and find this conclusive evidence. It also helped that my husband chimed in at this point. I will not chant “Practice makes perfect” because I feel this is not a realistic goal parents ought to be promoting and given my child’s personality, this will only provoke anxiety in him and negatively impact his academic performance. However, I will happily say “Practice makes you sharper!” and that alone is enough for me to chant “More homework, please!”

    Of course, there are other bonuses too: when doing their homework, they are away from the tv, computer,  and video games.  Moreover, they cannot get into mischief or trouble if they are busy doing their homework.  Also, homework is a concrete way to beautifully connect the school to home life, which research conclusively states is key in a child’s academic achievement.  As always, parents are the most important role models for their kids so below are ten strategies to use when encouraging good homework habits.
 
10 Strategies for Homework Help
  
1.    Model a positive attitude about homework and education, in general.
2.    Have a designated homework area with minimal distractions and good lighting. 
3.    Make sure materials/supplies are readily available.
4.    Give your child a healthy snack before starting homework.
5.    Use planners or agenda books to help organize their materials and time for homework.
6.    Encourage your child to do the easier assignments first so a feeling of accomplishment is experienced rather than frustration with harder homework. Some education experts advocate for the reverse order so the child is not exhausted and frustrated by the time they get to the more difficult homework.  Ideally, if you have multiple assignments, you can do the easy-hard-easy order. You be the judge of which order works best for your child.
7.    Be available and look for opportunities to praise your child.
8.    Engage in “homework-like” activities such as reading a book or balancing a checkbook/online accounts while your child does homework.
9.    If your child needs help, provide guidance rather than giving your child the answers.
10.  Give your child breaks if necessary, especially when frustrated. If your child regularly gets frustrated then consult with his teacher about any potential, academic difficulties. 

Best wishes for a wonderful school year!

Advocating for Your Child with Special Needs (By Anshu Basnyat, LCPC)

    Many students across the United States will start their new school year next week. It is a time of full of excitement to meet new teachers, make new friends, and learn new things! While this may also be true for parents with children who have special needs, but it is also intertwined with feelings of fear and anxiety about what the new school year will bring for their children.  This is doubly true for me since I now have two children with special needs.

    My regular, blog readers know that I have a three year old daughter who was born a micro preemie with many health complications. She is also hard of hearing and has been wearing hearing aids since she was one year old.  Well now, my seven years old son was diagnosed as being deaf in his left ear over the summer. Advocating is not a new thing for us. However, advocating for a second grader looks quite different than for a toddler.

    One or more accommodations in the classroom will be necessary for children with special needs. An example may be of what educators call “preferential seating,” which my son will undoubtedly need in the classroom.  This is not a big deal for my toddler daughter because the class sizes are smaller and more staff is available in the classroom to assist with whatever is necessary.  However, preferential seating will be a challenge to implement for my son.  On paper, preferential seating seems like an easy accommodation to make after you figure out the location of the seating (left front for my son). Practically, this is much harder to implement and this is why: a dynamic and effective teacher is constantly moving around the classroom!

    Advocating for the accommodations and making sure they will be implemented will be challenging, but the most significant difference when advocating for a toddler versus a school-age child is the support system that is available.  With the very young, there is a team of professionals who are working with you in your home, school, and in the community to guide you along your child’s development. For our daughter, this meant we had the support and expertise of the speech and language therapists, special education teachers, ASL teachers,occupational therapists, physical therapists, audiologists, just to name a few.  Once they reach school-age, the parent is pretty much on their own to get the advocacy ball rolling and staying afloat along the way.  The parent has to be the driving force and the child’s strongest advocate.  There will be high points and there will be low points along this journey. Below are strategies to keep in mind when advocating for your child with special needs.  I will use my son’s hearing problem as an example to illustrate the points.

7 Strategies When Advocating for Your Child

1. Take referrals seriously.  There are a number of ways a concern about your child’s development can be raised. For our son, he was the one who initially raised the issue and soon after he failed his hearing screen at school. The school nurse sent a referral note and we immediately contacted the appropriate professionals. We could have easily ignored the note and gone about our business, especially considering that he had been doing extremely well academically. Instead, we took the referral seriously.

2. Identify the special needs.  Once a referral is made, there will be a series of tests or evaluations that need to take place in order to properly diagnose a special need.  The nurse sending a referral note that he failed the hearing screen for his left ear is not enough.  I say this because the identification process is time consuming, tiring, and frustrating.  It will become so easy to give up and not follow-through with subsequent recommendations.  You might even have to seek second opinions if things do not sound right to you.  Without completing this identification process, you cannot move forward in the advocacy.

3. Gather pertinent documents. As a trained clinician, we have this mantra we follow that says “if it’s not written, it didn’t happen.”  Make a file for your child’s medical record of all the referrals, test results, and recommendations.  If possible, have electronic copies of them which will come in handy later on in the advocacy process. Organizational skills will come in handy at this point.

4. Contact the school principal in writing.  After you’ve gathered all of the pertinent information from the professionals, you are now ready to contact the principal.  The correspondence should be in writing and you should include the medical documentation (this is why the electronic copy becomes convenient). This will speed up the process and you will have a "paper" trail to refer back to.

Also, keep in mind that timing is important.  This is just my opinion, but I do feel that sometimes contacting the principal too early may not necessarily work in your favor.  For example, if you contact the school too early, let’s say early in the summer, you might not get the response you want right away. Moreover, if the timing is off you might actually risk getting the attention you deserve.  In other words, sometimes “the early bird does not always get the worm.”  For my son, I had all of the documents ready about a month ago, but it did not feel like the right time to contact the principal then.  Even though my super-organized, early bird husband insisted I do.

This week was back to school for staff so I figured this is a good time to shoot an email to the principal. Sure enough, in less than an hour the assistant principal calls me to address of my concerns and schedule a meeting to discuss what kind of accommodations would be warranted for our son.  Of course I did not gloat about this to my husband! 

5. Be prepared for the meeting with the school.  Make sure you and your partner discuss the talking points in advance and write them down.  Those meetings can easily get sidetracked and become emotionally charged so it is crucial you have a visual reminder to keep you on track.  You want to be able to identify the special need and ask for concrete accommodations.  Advance research will be key. Also, take at least two copies of the documents you emailed earlier for convenience, just in case they do not have them at hand. 

6. Advocacy does not have to be adversarial.  Really, you can effectively advocate for your child without having to get into an emotionally charged battle! Keep in mind that the teachers and  the staff also want what is best for your child.  If you are not convinced then consider how the school would look in terms of reputation if their students do not perform well.  Working within the system is a much better and effective approach than working against them.  This will create a much better working relationship with the school and at the end of the day will benefit your child.  However, again worth mentioning that, we as the parents, have to be the best and strongest advocates for our kids.

7. Teach your child self-advocacy.  We have talked with our son about self-advocacy and what that means. However, we also explain to him whenever we advocate for him so he can learn from our examples not only to self-advocate, but also to be proud of whom he is no matter what challenges he may encounter.  The look on his face was priceless when I told him that his assistant principal had called!

A South Asian Parenting Dilemma: Push or Foster? (By Anshu Basnyat, LCPC)

    In the Basnyat household, whether to push or to foster our children’s development is a constant topic of discussion. My husband, who has an interesting background of spending a good chunk of his formative years in the United States (former diplomat’s kid) but also spent much of his childhood in Nepal, and then came to the US for college. He decided to hang out here ever since, get married and raise a family. The whole nine yards! He plays for the Push Team.
  
    I, as a Nepali-American who primarily grew up in America and not to mention with an extensive Psychology background, am playing for the Foster Team.  We both want our children to do well academically, have good social relationships, and lead healthy and happy lives. However, by no means am a Tiger Mom and he a Wolf Dad.  Physical punishment and scolding are out of the question for us, but praise is a favorite strategy.  We truly want to take the Best of Both Worlds Approach (BBWA) in our parenting.  To the best of my knowledge, this is not an actual theoretical paradigm, but this is how we describe our multicultural parenting style.

    The BBWA is also the reason why we have this parenting dilemma. Had we simply chosen one path (Eastern or Western) to parenting, we would not have to debate so much.  Given our personalities, ambitions, and professional backgrounds, there is no end in sight for these debates. Every time he says something to the effect of “we have to push the kids to reach their potential” I quickly offer a myriad of word choices like foster, cultivate, support, encourage, etc. to replace “push.”  This is how our discussion may sound like.

The Academics

Husband: “I think it is important for him to do practice work (Math, Reading, etc.) outside of his homework.  The kid is really smart and we need to push his limits to see how far he can go.”

Me: “Yes, he is smart and I also want him to excel, but I don’t feel pushing is the best way to accomplish this.  He is so young and at this point, learning should be fun and enjoyable so he would want to do it more rather than get frustrated and avoid it.” Sometimes, I may pull one of these stunts. “At this developmental stage, it should be about the process of learning not so much the product.” I mean, really, who could argue with a point like that?

The Sport

Me: “I am really concerned about the time he is spending in soccer.  He seems too tired to do his homework or get any down time.”

Husband: “He loves playing soccer and he needs all the practice he can get to be better at it. He has so much potential.”

Me: “He does love to play and he is good at it.  How about we stick to one sport at a time so it’s not too much for him or for us?” My husband agrees. It does not always work this way.

The Musical Instrument

Husband: “Shouldn’t he be playing an instrument like a violin or clarinet by now? You used to play the violin.”

Me: “They start in third or fourth grade. He’s only in the first. I started in the third grade and there was too much pressure so I gave it up in junior high. I really don’t think that kind of pressure is good for him.”

Son: “I don’t want to play anything I have to blow, it’s too hard (he's asthmatic). I want to play the violin or the drums.”

Husband and Me: “No drums! Maybe a violin or guitar, we’ll see.”  To be continued...

    So, you can see from above how the Push vs. Foster discussion may transpire in a parenting conversation. I feel we do not have to “push” our kids into anything and thereby run a high risk of this pushing backfiring on us.  If you are skeptical, try this experiment at home: have your significant other stand in front of you and you push him or her from the back.  What happens? Although Physics was never a strong suit of mine, but I believe this is called Resistance.  In Psychology, we call it Rebellion.  This usually is not a pretty phase and I will use all the strategies in my parenting toolbox to avoid this parent-child dynamic.   

Do you believe in pushing or fostering your child to reach their potential?

NICU and Preemie Parenting (By Anshu Basnyat, LCPC)

    As a parent of having two premature babies, one born at 31 weeks and the other at 25 weeks (micro preemie actually), I am no stranger to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU).  Our first born had to be delivered early due to pregnancy complications (preeclampsia) and spent about six weeks there seven years ago in 2005.  Shortly after we arrived in Sydney, Australia in 2009 I experienced another complicated pregnancy (again, preeclampsia) and our daughter had to be delivered early on Easter Day. She spent 5 months in the NICU and endured five major surgeries during that time.  At day four of her NICU stay, the doctors had lost hope that she would make it and we were encouraged to call our local priest to do last rite rituals.
   
     Having been in Sydney just for two months, we had not even visited a Hindu temple, let alone had a family priest.  The hospital staff called one from their directory and this kind, gentle, Hindu priest drove an hour from his home in the middle of the night to perform these last rite rituals for our daughter.  He told us that she WILL be okay with such confidence that I had to believe him.  He was so right and after some time, we visited him at his temple to express our gratitude personally.  He was so delighted!

     Spiritually, I take a very eclectic approach and draw from many faiths. Hence, I truly believe that the words and actions of this Hindu priest coupled with her Easter birthday played a major role in our micro preemie’s survival.  However, I also believe that both my husband and I must have some sort of inner resilience to cope with such dire circumstances.  Other people’s reactions to how we managed confirmed this hunch. Thought I share some of the strategies we used in hopes that this will resonate with many parents who are going through these difficult circumstances right now.

5 Issues and Strategies in Preemie Parenting
1.    The Hope.  From moments before and after the preemie is born, doctors of every specialty in existence in the medical field will come and talk to you about the risks associated with having this baby.  Please understand that this does not come from a bad place and is not meant to instill fear in you, even though it does.  It is intended for the parents to consider all possible outcomes when making their decisions.  And these will be HARD decisions to make! Parents will be required to make decisions anywhere ranging from the side effects of medications to whether you want your baby resuscitated or not.  I know, this latter one came as a huge surprise to us in our daughter’s case.  I suggest that you just listen to what the physicians have to say and ask as many questions as you like and as many times as you like. If you don’t understand the answer, ask the question in a different way.  Even if you are heavily drugged out. Try to stay focused and of course have your partner there too so you don’t miss anything.

Before my daughter’s birth, one of the first doctors was a neonatologist who was doing some research on preemie and their breathing. She shared a very long list of things that could go wrong with our baby.  The outcomes ranged from attention problems to brain damage and cerebral palsy. Did I mention that I was heavily drugged out at the time? I must have asked many good questions because I remember her saying something like “wow, you are asking very good questions even though we have injected you with every possible drug at our disposal.”  Few days later when I was more lucid, I met her again in the NICU, but I couldn’t remember her face. At this time, she reminded me again how surprised she was with my “good questions.”  The take home message is to listen, ask questions, but DO NOT ever lose Hope.  For those skeptics who talk about “false hope” to which I say: “There is no such thing as false hope. You either have hope or you don’t. You CHOOSE.”


2.    The Milk Supply.  After you hear all the bad things that could happen to your baby from the doctors, the lactation consultants start rolling in to share how breastfeeding will make things better for the baby.  It is well known fact that breastfeeding is good for the baby, especially for preemies.  In particular, the colostrum, which is the first drops of yellowish milk when the mother starts expressing, is the most beneficial for the preemie.  The colostrum has many ingredients such as vitamins and proteins that serve as antibodies to diseases.  As a result, mothers of a preemie baby tend to put extreme pressure on themselves to produce the milk.  And there begins the vicious cycle.

The mother’s milk supply becomes suppressed because of the extreme distress due to the circumstances and the baby may not be able to suck to stimulate the milk supply.  There are many herbal remedies, such as fenugreek, to stimulate milk production.  Talking with a lactation consultant is a good starting point if your milk production is low.  Despite all of your loving efforts and hard work, your baby many not be able to tolerate your milk. Although many believe a baby cannot be “allergic” to the mother’s milk, but who is to say that the baby could not tolerate due to the interactions of all the medications being pumped into that little, fragile body? This happened to our daughter. Thankfully, she was able to take in all of the colostrum, but as time went on with surgeries and medicines being given, she could no longer tolerate my milk and had to start her on formula.  All of which was done through a feeding tube. As a mother who is a huge believer in breastfeeding, this was devastating to hear.  It felt like all of my hard work pumping at home day and night while my baby was in the NICU and pumping at the hospital went to waste.  

Eventually, I had to come to terms with the fact that this was out of my control and luckily she was able to get at least the colostrum.  In Australia, if my memory serves me right (was under the influence of a cocktail of medications) you can donate your milk to babies who are unable to get their mother’s milk for various reasons.  This is did help me feel better.

3.    The Emotional Roller Coaster.  It will be an emotional roller coaster.  You may visit your baby in the morning and everything seems fine, but when you make the evening visit, you may be hearing that your baby may need some kind of surgery.  This happened numerous times for us.  Our daughter’s five months NICU stay included five major surgeries where sometimes she had to be transferred to another hospital for the procedures. This is a very scary thing to go through. When your baby is that tiny and vulnerable, the parents will be an emotional mess.  What worked for us was to have a mindset that anything is possible so just to take it one day at a time and deal with whatever may come our way little by little. 

4.     The Good Enough Mother.  The second person who will be most affected when a preemie baby is in the NICU is naturally the mother.  I will never forget when the lactation consultant asked me if I knew about “The Good Enough Mother” concept. I said No, but I sure knew about “The Supermom,” and “The Perfect Mother” notions.  She gently told me that I need to adopt this new way of thinking about motherhood.  Knowing from my pre-move research that Australians have a good reputation for knowing how to be “happy” or “satisfied” with their lives, I decided to heed this advice.  In all honesty, this did take some time to fully understand and practice, but this way of thinking really alleviated the stress and reduced the guilt thousand fold.  This of course, fits well with cognitive-behavioral theories on anxiety. The more pressure you put on yourself, the more likely it will be counterproductive.  I am a better and happier mom because of “The Good Enough Mother” guiding principle.  

5.    The Social Isolation.  When your baby is in the NICU, it is so easy to become socially isolated because your whole life revolves around your NICU visits, talking to the doctors and nurses, pumping milk, researching about the conditions your baby is dealing with, experiencing all kinds of emotions, etc.  It becomes exhausting and the mood is not optimal for social gatherings.  However, I cannot stress enough how important this is to your and the baby’s health.  Social isolation is a major risk factor when it comes to depression, which only leads to a downward spiral.  Parents with preemies in the NICU cannot afford to get depressed for extended period of times because this will directly impact how you care for your baby.  Therefore, it is paramount that parents make every effort to surround themselves with supportive people in their lives and try to enjoy the moment.  This means to be with people even when they do not understand what you are going through.  Connecting with people and simply laughing at times will go a long way in coping with these difficult circumstances. 

Do this without any guilt because in some cultures there seems to be an unspoken rule that you should be sad all the time during such situations.  People may judge you for being social, but that is okay too.  That comes from a place of ignorance so do not let this get to you.  When I gave birth to our micro preemie only after being in Australia for two months, our social network was limited.  We tapped into whatever limited resources we had at our fingertips and made the best of it.  I highly encourage you to reach to your social network (real or electronic) and make some time to laugh a little!

Making Summer Fun and Educational (By Anshu Basnyat, LCPC)

   Summer is in full swing in America.  Now that the anticipation of Independence Day celebration is over, many parents are probably wondering how they can keep their kids busy, learning, and having fun all at the same time.  Research shows that low-income children are at a disadvantage during the summer time because they do not have the resources to explore and learn as their affluent counterparts do.  Students from low-income households lose an average of two months reading achievement over the summer.  This, many assert, is a major contributing factor to the “achievement gap” between the "haves" and the "have-nots" (http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=11826934).  Children with resources are enrolling in enrichment programs, visiting museums, reading with parents at home, etc. while those without the resources do not have these opportunities.  Over time, this gap widens and has major implications. All children need to be intellectually stimulated during the summer or they are at risk of falling behind in academics.

    I know what some parents may be thinking: “kids need their downtime, need to have fun, and just be kids.”  I know this because I am one of those parents.  While I believe in this viewpoint, I also believe that children need to stay engaged in “school-like” activities to keep their mind fresh and ready to learn when the new school year begins in the Fall.  The goal of this article is not to argue whether to have year-round school with a cumulative two months break distributed throughout the year or continue with the existing model of having the traditional two months summer break.   Rather, the goal is for parents to work within the current schooling structure so our children can maximize fun and learning during the summertime.  If you know me, you will know that I am all about maintaining “win-win” situations.  This is one of them, where we can enjoy the summer break and still foster learning in our children.  Of course, this will require parents to tie in the academic piece at home while continuing the leisure activities such as going to the pool, bike riding, tv watching, etc.  Like many things in parenting, a balancing act is necessary.

    Here is an example of how I plan to balance between leisure and academics.  This week, we have been having a heat wave in parts of America, including where I reside.  So, just to be funny I put on my Facebook status “Wondering what would happen if I put cake batter in a pan and let it sit out on my deck for an hour or so.”  Then I thought about it, well tomorrow I have both of my kids home, my son asked if we could make cookies, and it is Friday.  The latter part is significant because I am a NPR junkie and one of many favorite shows is Science Friday by Ira Flatow. Therefore, tomorrow will be Science Friday at the Basnyat’s home where we will experiment with cookie dough and cake batter.  We will compare the time and temperature it takes to make yummy treats out in the blazing sun to that of the burning oven.   It will be over my three year old’s head, but my seven year old will learn and enjoy at the same time!

5 Tips for Summertime

1.     Journaling.  Writing down dates and times of trips and activities will not only help in understanding timelines, but your child is practicing writing skills.
2.     Arts and Crafts. This can include a whole host of activities from making cards to making bird feeders. 
3.    Gardening.  Growing and taking care of plants not only teaches about science, but also teaches patience and responsibility.
4.    Baking. All kinds of learning is happening when you are gathering materials, measuring, reading instructions, baking, and the cleaning up process.
5.    Fields trips.  Visiting the library, museums, zoo, and other wonderful institutions enrich a child’s learning experience.  Just this week, I took my son on a field trip on the public bus to the local senior center and the library. He learned so much about how the bus system works, how senior citizens stay active, and used the library’s call numbers to find his books.