Daily Parenting Tip:  Learn different ways to spend quality time with your child.

Improve Parenting in the New Year (By Anshu Basnyat, LCPC)

Daily Parenting Tip: Think about how you can improve your parenting this New Year and take small steps in achieving it! 

     Even the best of parents can make improvements when it comes to parenting.  Whether you have an infant, a toddler, a tween, a teenager, or an adult child, we can all improve our parenting skills! Every stage in human development presents us with challenges.  An exhausted parent of an infant may say “I can’t wait until the day my baby starts walking! I am so tired from carrying him all the time.” When that infant becomes a toddler, the same parent may say “I can’t wait until he starts talking so he can communicate his needs without throwing temper tantrums!”  Then the toddler becomes a tween, and the parent may say “I’m just waiting for the day when he starts driving so I don’t have to take him all over the place.”  Of course, he then becomes a teenager who starts driving and now the parent worries about all kinds of issues that never crossed their minds before the child was a teenager (car accidents, drugs, sex, bullying, violence, etc.).  The point here is that every step of the way, every parent faces challenges in parenting and can afford to work on mastering a skill that is a bit daunting at first. Like with any skill, practice makes perfect!

Wishing you and your family a very Happy and Healthy New Year!

In Vivo Exposure, In Vivo Learning (By Anshu Basnyat, LCPC)

     As parents, we try to anticipate problems that may occur in public with our kids so that we can problem solve appropriately.  By problem solve, I do mean avoid uncomfortable, stress-inducing situations. For instance, going to the grocery store with a child can be challenging.  Kids may want all of the junk food they see, whine about how long it is taking to buy things, throw tantrums so they can get what they want, etc. To problem solve this, parents may leave the kids at home, some may go around the perimeter of the store so as to avoid the aisles with sugary cereals, give in to their tantrums incorrectly thinking this will work, etc.  Well, last week when my family and I went holiday shopping at the mall, I totally did not anticipate what unfolded and boy was I in for a surprise!

     It was the four of us: my husband, six year old son, two year old daughter, and me at a department store.  The plan was for me to go clothes shopping while my husband took the kids around the store.  Just as I was about to enter the ladies fitting room, my family spotted me.  Now the plan changed slightly. The three of them were to wait outside the fitting room while I tried on my outfits at lightning speed.  I should have known better at that moment.  As soon as I entered the stall, my kids wandered into the fitting room looking for me.  My very sweet, innocent daughter looked under one of the stalls while calling mommy.   Immediately a very loud and angry voice yelled “GET OUT!” twice to her. Instantly, I internally experienced very uncomfortable feelings that might have included some expletives. Having enough composure and dignity, I first apologized to the angry woman for my two year old daughter’s inappropriate, albeit innocent behavior.  No response from the angry lady. 

     Now, I must attend to my son’s near traumatic reaction. My husband was comforting him to no avail. Interestingly, it did not really phase my daughter. I would have thought she would have reacted more frantically given that she wears hearing aids that would amplify the yelling. My son was very keen on making this very point later on. But for now, he is crying “I don’t want to go to jail!” For awhile, I did not understand the connection between what had just happened and going to jail. Now, I get it. In a six year old mind, if you do something bad, you go to jail.  For few days, I was scratching my heads over this.  I digress. Anyhow, while walking towards my family I’m trying to figure how to best handle this melodrama.  I sense this is a crucial teachable moment. At first, I thought I’ll just explain to my son by saying that some people get crazy during the holidays. Then, I thought that would only teach him that you do not have to take responsibility for your actions and you are off the hook by blaming it on something or someone else. This is completely the opposite of what I hold true so scratched that off immediately. Instead, I put on my mother and therapist hats on at the same time.

     I first hugged him and said it will be ok.  Then, I explained to him that some people get angry easily and that we cannot control how other people feel or behave.  We can only control our own and being upset over this is not worth it. I said this loudly enough so that the woman could hear me. I got this strange feeling that people were watching me. Sure enough, a woman in her sixties who looked like she could be a school principal smiles to me and walks over to us.  She whispers to me: “She was just being mean. What did she teach anyways?” I just smiled back and shrugged my shoulders as if to say “I agree, but you shouldn’t play with fire.”

     In retrospect, I probably would have handled it a tad bit differently. I would have validated my son’s feelings little bit more by saying something like: “I know honey, it really feels horrible when someone yells at you.”  In therapy, there is a technique called in vivo exposure where you have your patient face their fears to treat their specific anxiety (elevator, heights, etc.).  For us, this was a different kind of in vivo exposure, but nonetheless a rich learning experience.

Using the Holidays to Strengthen the Parent-Child Relationship (By Anshu Basnyat, LCPC)

     We know that during the holidays, children are out of school and more at home.  We also know that holidays can make many go insane with all of the demands that are placed on us. So why not channel that energy into one that matters most to parents? That is, having a good, close relationship with our children. Positive relationships with our children reaps great rewards such as better academic performance, fewer discipline problems, knowledge about how to lead productive and safer lives, and many more.  Holiday time is a perfect opportunity to strengthen the parent-child relationship!

     Spending quality time is key in building a stronger relationship with our children. It is not only about having fun with them, but also taking the time to really express and exemplify what family values are important to us.  Maintaining a strong relationship with your child takes lot of time and effort, but it is also a fun, learning process! Below are five concrete ways to strengthen that bond.

Five Ways to Strengthen the Parent-Child Relationship during the Holidays:

1.    Play with your child. It does not matter what you play, but simply have fun with whatever you are doing with them. This can include a whole host of activities like dancing, singing, playing make believe, board games, card games, peek-a-boo, hide and go seek, etc. There has been tons of research supporting that playing with your child from very early on helps strengthen the bonding process. 

2.    Be flexible with schedules. During the holidays, sticking to a routine can be challenging. Grandparents, aunts and uncles come to visit or you visit them and they want to “spoil” your child with later bedtimes, extra treats, etc. It is important to set limits and structures, but you do not have to be rigid about implementing them during the holidays. Have you noticed that the more you try to impose your rules about these kinds of things, it makes you and your child more stressed, and possibly others around you?  For example, if 8pm is normal bed time, then 10pm is okay, but 2am is not acceptable. Otherwise, the next day will be a nightmare for everyone if your kids have sugar overload and not enough sleep. Being flexible is part of maintaining balance in parenting, especially during the holidays.


3.    Engage in activities that encourage giving to others. In today’s commercialized holiday seasons, it is easy to forget how important it is to give back to the community.  Buying canned goods and other food items to donate to local food banks is an easy thing we can all do with our children. Many schools and churches collect the goods, so this makes the giving process even easier!  When my son was younger, I used to do this on my own. Now that he is 6 years old and can understand the concept of giving, I have included him in the process. This is a great opportunity not only to talk about the importance of giving and taking care of each other in the community, but also to remember how grateful we are for the things we have and do not have to worry about like food, shelter, clothing, families and friends. 

    I am reminded of an episode of 60 Minutes I recently watched where families have become homeless and are living in their cars due to current, hard economic times.  According to the show, America’s homeless children have risen to 25%, which really struck me. With older children, watching programs like these with them, coming up with solutions, and implementing them would be a great way to give back and take care of each other. Encouraging giving to others can be simpler like helping a neighbor with raking their leaves, picking up neighborhood litter, holding the door at a store for someone, etc. Giving to others not only feels good, but helps build communities, our children become productive citizens and our parent-child relationship becomes deeper as a result!

4.    Make time for just listening. Listening is a skill that takes lot of practice! Listening does not mean you have to oblige to your child’s wishes. Listening is about respecting others. Especially if you have teenagers, listening and respecting, become two important ways of connecting with your emerging adult child. When I was going through my clinical training as a therapist at Johns Hopkins, one of my clinical supervisors used to say “just be with the client.” I did not quite understand what he meant by that at the time and might have facetiously thought “of course I am with the client, he is in my office.” Over the years, I have had many opportunities to practice listening and now I completely get it. It goes beyond just physically being there. It involves putting your needs aside and just being with the person both physically and emotionally. Good eye contact. No interruptions. No judgments. No need to top it off with your own stories or other needs. Now I would like to pass on that wisdom by saying “just be with your child.”


5.    Practice the gift of acceptance. This is really about what psychologists refer to as “unconditional positive regard” or unconditional love in laymen’s terms. Every child wants to feel loved no matter how terrible their behaviors may be. Every time a child hears something along these lines: “What is wrong with you?” or “Why can’t you do anything right?” or “What has gotten into you?” takes away from feeling that unconditional love and weakens the parent-child relationship. This can easily happen during the holidays as things get a little crazy and people are in frenzy. Instead, let your child know whichever way you can that you love them no matter what. Feeling accepted means knowing that the love you receive is not dependent on behaving well, getting good grades, obliging to every demand, etc. Just to be clear, accepting our children for who they are does not mean parents should adopt a laissez faire attitude in parenting.  It simply means that when a parent’s love for a child is not dependent on “something” then a stronger parent-child relationship evolves over time. 

        Happy parenting during the holidays!

Managing Holiday Stress (By Anshu Basnyat, LCPC)

     It’s that time of the year. Holidays!  As a Nepali Hindu, my holiday season started at the beginning of October with Dasain and we finished the fifth and final day of Tihar on October 28th.  It is also called Bhai Tika, a day when sisters celebrate brothers for their long life, prosperity, and all things good.  For others, Eid al-adha was on November 6, 2011 and soon to follow will be Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, and Kwanzaa.  Many cultures celebrate with festivities including great feasts, gift giving, visiting places of worships, holiday parties, and other traditions.  It is a time to celebrate and rejoice with family and friends.  Unfortunately for many, it is also a time to endure lot of stress. As parents, managing our stress levels not only benefits us, but it also benefits our children.  There is this vicious, circular pattern that happens when we experience stress.  If parents are stressed, then our children will be stressed and vice versa.  Getting a good understanding of how our stress develops and perpetuate is crucial in relieving our stress and improving our quality of life.    

     There are two types of stress: the good and the bad. Think of it as similar to good cholesterol and bad cholesterol in our body. The good stress is called eustress, which is minor anxiety that ignites us to perform better, experience feelings of fulfillment and other positive feelings.  For example, your child may be anxious about an upcoming Math test and to prepare for it she studies effectively and the end result is that she earns a good grade on the test. On the other hand, bad stress is called distress, where we become very anxious and do not feel too good. A whole host of things may be negatively affected by distress. Staying with the same example of the Math test, let’s say your child is very anxious about the test and does not feel good, may have stomach aches, thinks of how a bad grade will ruin her life, etc. Due to these uncomfortable side effects, she decides she cannot handle it so ends up either not studying at all or studies too hard to the point that anxiety overwhelms her and she does not perform well on the test. The latter type is the focus here because this is the kind that drives us crazy during the holidays!

     During the holidays, the triggers of stress tend to be finances, physical demands, and relationships.  Understanding these common holiday triggers can help in preventing holiday meltdowns.  If you are someone like me who embraces multicultural holidays, then your stress triggers can be complicated further.  But that is a whole another topic altogether. Taking a closer look at how each of these triggers play out in our holiday routine is imperative in combating holiday stress. 

     Financially, the whole world is suffering more than it has in the recent past.  There is so much economic uncertainty today that people are already feeling anxious. Then you consider high unemployment and inflation impacting our daily lives, the anxiety increases manifold.  And then you consider the added expenses of gifts, travel, food, and entertainment, no wonder people’s stress level skyrocket during the holidays. Evidence can be found when you see people running around like chickens with their heads cut off in the malls, supermarkets, schools, in their homes, and wherever else they may be. 

     As if financial difficulties were not enough, now we consider the physical demands that contribute to stress levels. Even the most uber holiday enthusiast will admit that the extra shopping and socializing can be draining. When we experience exhaustion, our body releases stress hormones that make us more susceptible to illnesses like the common cold and other unwanted medical problems.  There just is not enough time in a day to get all we need to accomplish during the holidays so we start cutting corners.  Ironically, sleep and exercise, which releases hormones that help to reduce stress, are usually compromised to deal with the physical demands. You can see how this perpetuates a vicious cycle. 

     Another interesting dynamic that occurs during the holidays involve our loved ones.  As a child, I had bought into the idea that holidays were created so family and friends can spend more time together and enjoy each other’s company.  As an adult, the sparkles of the holidays fade away as we encounter family conflicts and misunderstandings.  On top of it, we attempt to make everyone happy. Instead, everyone seems to be getting on each other’s nerves and wishing they were somewhere else- “anywhere else besides here!”  It happens to the best of us, doesn’t it? Don’t worry; there are strategies to counteract these dreadful experiences and in the process, set good examples for your children so they learn to regulate their emotions effectively.

10 Tips on Managing Holiday Stress:

1.    Prioritize. Plan ahead and make a list of all the things you want to accomplish this holiday season. Now put them into 3 categories (Very Important, Somewhat Important, Not too important) and allocate your time, resources, and energy accordingly.

2.    Feel comfortable saying “no.” It is completely ok to say no. There is no rule in life that says you have to attend every holiday party you are invited to, buy gifts for everyone you consider friends and/or family, buy gifts that are on your kids’ wish list, etc. 


3.    Set limits.  Limits can be set by creating a budget for gifts (and sticking to it!), on your time, how much food you’ll make, etc. People who genuinely care about you will understand or get over it, including your children.  If they don’t, then you may have to rethink how the relationship can change to reduce your stress.

4.    Cut corners.  “Baked goods” does not have to mean “home baked goods.”  Sure it tastes better and is more meaningful, but if you have hundred other things you have to take care of then it is ok that baking doesn’t make the priority list. Besides, not everyone is a baker. Another way to cut corners is to send holiday cards only to those you have regular contact with. Further cut corners by writing personal notes to few who have been there for you through thick and thin.

5.    Maintain your healthy habits. Eating right, exercising, and getting enough sleep are not negotiable. Additionally, attending to medical needs and maintaining a positive attitude are paramount in staying healthy during the holidays.

6.    Take a breather. Schedule it if you have to! Take 15-20 minutes a day to have time to meditate, listen to music, read, or whatever you enjoy doing. Self-care is mandatory to have a stress free holiday season.

7.    Let it go (aka L.I.G.).  This is especially true when we hit bumps in our relationships. Family members get into arguments, which in the big scheme of things, are about things that do not really matter. So learning to forgive and move on is important to maintain positive, healthy relationships.

8.    Seek professional help if necessary. Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, it is hard to escape the “blues” and severe anxiety. Some people experience Seasonal Affective Disorder during the holidays or certain time of the year, and if you suspect you are one of these people then please seek help.  Remember that seeking help is a sign of strength rather than weakness.

9.    Keep your kids busy. Boredom leads to trouble. Keeping the kids entertained with board games, books, writing stories, arts and crafts, coloring, outside play, limited tv/computer/video game time, naps, music, dancing, having them help you in cooking, cleaning, etc. is key in maintaining your and the kids’ sanity.  Besides, keeping the kids engaged is good for their brain plasticity, the brain’s ability to learn from experiences and make them smarter!  


10.    Have fun! Enjoy the moments and be grateful for all the wonderful people, things, and experiences you have in your life. Love, live, and laugh this holiday season!

Social Comparison: Is It Effective? (By Anshu Basnyat, LCPC)

    This piece is a follow-up to the last blog post: “Everyone Can’t Be No. 1.” 
It seems as though parents are wired to make social comparison when it comes to their children.  In fact, do we not cultivate this process when the babies are in the womb by comparing one pregnancy to the next?  Later on, it becomes how one child is doing academically and/or behaviorally versus another. More importantly, what impact does this have on our children? Let’s take a quick look at the history of social comparison theory to better understand what is involved in the process.  As always, once we begin to understand ourselves better, only then do we begin to understand others.  In this case, others happen to be our precious kids!

    Leon Festinger coined the term “social comparison” in 1954, which states that people tend to evaluate themselves, including their opinions and desires, by comparing themselves to others.  The process includes two types of social comparison: upward and downward.  Upward social comparison occurs when someone compares themselves to someone who is better off (intellectually, financially, physically, etc.) in an effort to be part of the elite and have a more positive view of themselves.

    In contrast, downward social comparison is when you compare yourself to someone who is worse off than you to make yourself feel happier.  For example, a diabetic patient who only needs medication for treatment may see himself better off than another diabetic patient who has lost vision due to diabetes.  The result of this downward social comparison makes one happier. This process seems pretty natural and harmless right?

    Now consider this. A parent continually resorts to upward social comparison as a way to motivate their child to do better (academics, sports, arts, etc.).  This comparison occurs very often between siblings, other relatives, and peers.  A crude example may sound something like this: “John is always getting straight A’s. Why can’t you be more like him?”  A sneakier example may go like this: “Mary is so talented. She is going to be somebody very important.”  The parent says such things to the child who they are trying to motivate into doing better.  Although this appears to be a fairly, common parenting tactic, it can be counterproductive.  The child on the receiving end of this message is hearing that he or she is not good enough for their parents’ approval. Over time, this will likely result in an inferiority complex and self-esteem issues.  This is an emotionally painful experience for any child to go through and it can be easily avoided. 
   
    Conversely, when parents practice downward social comparison as a strategy to make a child feel better, it can result in illusory superiority complex. The child goes on to believe that they are better than the next person. As a therapist in the schools, I often heard parents say to their child: “Those kids are being mean to you because they are jealous of you.” Instead of addressing what the real issue may be (e.g. bullying), the parent could be reinforcing many unhealthy behaviors (e.g. not taking responsibility). 

    I am reminded of this one case when I worked as a therapist in the schools. There was a 10 year old girl who was regarded by her parents and other relatives as an “iconoclast” (family member’s own word) and that’s why her peers have been picking on her. When in reality this girl was the source of many nasty rumors that started in the 5th grade.  Because this girl would constantly hear that others were jealous of her and that’s why she gets trapped in the rumor mill, this girl really felt she was superior than her peers and above the school regulations.  Blaming others became second nature to her than taking responsibility. She started out as a very popular girl at the beginning of the year, but her social circle shrunk by the end of the year.  She actually engaged in very harmful behaviors to gain attention.  You can see from this example how human relations can be negatively impacted when people feel they are superior to others. 
   
    Actually, both upward and downward social comparisons affect human relations negatively, but in different ways.  The take home message is for parents not to engage in social comparisons as a means of motivating their children. The kids do not like it when parents make comparisons and it is not effective in getting them to do what you want them to do. In fact, for many families, it does the opposite.  It is called rebellion. Children will engage in social comparisons on their own naturally and parents should discourage this rather than add fuel to the fire.    

Everyone Can’t be No. 1 (Anshu Basnyat, LCPC)

    I cringe every time I hear a parent encouraging their child to be the number one in whatever.  I have seen parents get very upset because their five year old child could not score the winning goal in soccer.  I have seen parents encourage their child to be the first one done when eating with peers.  Or how about the child whose parents have decided that their five year old will be the number one student in his kindergarten class?  How about the parents who have decided that their child will be a doctor, an engineer, or scientist when they grow up?  The examples go on and on.  These examples illustrate how we, as parents, program our kids very early on to believe that we should settle for nothing less than being number one. 

    It is very true that we live in a very competitive world and we need to prepare our children for it.  What makes it worse is that today our world no longer consists only of the people in our microcosm.  It literally includes the whole world with the availability of technology and being a global market.  So, it is very natural for parents to feel anxious about how their child will compete in this global, competitive world.  The problem is that it is risky business when parents put this kind of pressure on their children day in and day out. 

    At first, this kind of pressure doesn’t seem to be a problem because when children are very young they want to please their parents, teachers, grandparents, aunts and uncles…basically any adult who plays a significant role in their lives.  Therefore, young children happily go along with their parents’ plans until they start thinking for themselves.  For some, this independent thinking happens early on and for others it doesn’t happen until adulthood.  Yet for some, it never happens. This is most worrisome. 

    I see this kind of pressure as risky business because the costs are high for our children.  One of three outcomes will occur for children.  Outcome 1 is that both the parents and the child’s wishes match and everyone is happy. This result is probably less likely than one would hope.  Outcome 2 is that the child will reject the parents’ wishes and pursue their own dreams. Rifts may occur in the family, but ultimately the parents get over it and the child is happy. This is healthy. Outcome 3 is that the child goes along with their parents’ wishes when they do not want to from the bottom of their hearts, but they do not communicate this to their parents in fear of disappointing them.  This is probably more common than one would think.  I know I have observed this quite a bit in my own Nepalese culture where parents are revered and children constantly try to meet their expectations even though they really do not want to. 

  The costs of Outcome 3 can range anywhere from feeling anxious over the smallest things in life to severe depression leading to suicide.  Little bit of anxiety can actually be healthy. For instance, getting anxious over an upcoming Math test and studying for it is a good thing. However, unhealthy anxiety can have the opposite effect of what parents want for their child.  When children feel that pressure that they have to excel in order to gain approval then their self-esteem and confidence are compromised.  They will constantly compare themselves to others as a way of measuring their self-worth. This is not healthy. A perfectly competent person can do very poorly under this kind of pressure.  Over time, this anxiety can lead to depression and take a major hit on their self-worth.  Professional help is warranted at this time.   

   So, what should well-meaning parents do to avoid the risks? The answer is pretty simple, but harder to balance. Parents need to relieve this pressure and instead encourage their child to do their best rather than being the best.  I am not suggesting that parents encourage mediocrity rather that they encourage their child to reach his or her own potential wherever that may be for that child.  When the pressure is lifted, children will be at ease, perform better, and be happier. Less pressure equals better product.